Europe, Features, Ian John, Leagues, Regions, Serie A POSTS

The Beckham-Gate surveillance tapes

Published by Ian John on February 17, 2009

Date : About three months ago.
Location : The Beckham’s luxury accommodation in Los Angeles

Becks : “‘Ello Posh, look can we have a word?”
Posh : “Not now David… I’m busy sorting through Romeo’s wardrobe. There’s some clothes in here he’s had for a week!”
Becks : “Yeah love, it’s kind of that I want to take about with you.”
Posh : “Are we off to Rodeo Drive again?”
Becks : “Well, no not really… Look Victoria, you know I love you and all that… But I can’t stay in L.A any longer…”
(Pause… Long Pause… Uncomfortably long pause)
Posh : “… But David! What about our career?”
(another pause)
Becks : “…Err well, I’m not saying the album offers won’t come in love… Or that you won’t get that starring role in the new Terminator film, or that you will write, produce and star in your own sitcom that takes comedy to a whole new level… but it ain’t happening at the moment is it really, sweetheart?”
Posh : “But, our agent Simon said this would be good for us! For our future! Think of the exposure! The money! The…exposure!”
Becks : “Yeah but it’s hardly worked out for me has it? The last time Fabio Capello came to L.A Sylvester Stallone’s face hadn’t melted and Michael Jackson was on his third nose…”
Posh (tearful) : “But David… I like it here! It’s got sun! It’s got shops that poor people can’t go into! You can get your name on the pavement without having to use a tin of spraypaint…”
Becks : “I know love… and I am not saying we can’t come back. I’ve got my school here… but I’ve only got a few years left at the top… And lets face it love… this Major League Soccer isn’t quite major league is it? For me it is like being paid like a prince, but having to shop at Walmart.”
Posh : “… but where will we go David, where will we go that has everything I need? Like hairdressers, boutiques, fashion, photographers and diet pills? Where else has this David? Tell me that!”
Becks : “Well… I think I have an answer, My friend Arrivo Derchi or summat, well, he said Milano are interested in me.”
Posh : “Alyssia? That mare can keep her hands off my golden balls…”
Becks : “No love! Milano! AC Milan. They want me to go on loan… Think of it Milan, the capital of fashion… Paparazzi by the bucketload, sunglasses are required dress… the money’s good and I’ll be playing in Fabio’s old back yard! It’s a win win situation!”
Posh : “But what will our agent Simon Fuller say?”
Becks : “I don’t care what Simon says! I know what’s best for me! If Simon says put your hand on your head would you do it?”
Posh (thinking): “Yeah… I would.”
Becks : “Well I’ve spoken to Simon and he says ‘move to Milan’ and if it works out, he’ll try to get us to stay there instead.”
Posh : “Did he really?”
Becks : “Yes…”
Posh : “Oooh! Think of those shops… L.A really is so passe these days isn’t it?”
Becks : “I think so love yes…”
(Sound of phone being dialled)
Posh : “… Hello Simon? Yes we’re moving to Milan, I need to shop, I need sunglasses, a new wardrobe, a house, a fleet of cars, hats, photographers, publicists… Oh and sort Dave out with his pub team will you? Ciao… Right come on then, let’s burn these clothes so the servants don’t sell them and I’ll get the private jet prepped… Alyssia Milano here we come.”
Becks : “What about the kids?”
Posh : ” Oh yes, forgot them… call the nanny, tell her to get Spanish lessons sorted… France here we come!”