England, Europe, Features, Ian John, Regions POSTS

‘Anthem Tops’… Grow up!

Published by Ian John on March 29, 2009

I am seldom moved to write two articles in such a short space of time but I feel I must after the events of yesterday afternoon and the rather contrasting emotions felt by many European international sides, particularly those in the United Kingdom.

I’ll start with the hullaballoo over England and their comfortable 4-0 win over a Slovakia team that were possibly the worst international team I’ve seen at Wembley. What irked me with Slovakia is that they cannot use the excuse of teams like San Marino, Luxumbourg or Andorra in that their players are barely professional and play in the equivalent of the North Aldershot Amateur Stamp Collectors and Obstetrician League Division Two, but they actually have some very good players. Martin Skrtel, as well as having the weirdest ears in professional football and an oddly shaped head that bares a startling resemblence to Kryten from Red Dwarf, has been outstanding for Liverpool this season. Marek Hamsik is a very talented, goalscoring winger for Napoli in Serie A who, if rumours are to be believed, is attracting plenty of interest from top clubs across Europe. Miroslav Karhan has vast experience in German football at the highest level, as does Marek Mintal. Yet at times they played like a pub team whose boots and hearts were still at the bar.

But worse than this, worse than all of this, was the unveiling of the new England shirt. We were treated to the somewhat laughable premise that the players were about to unveil something special. Dressed in their laughably monikered “Anthem tops” (Please the marketing guru’s at Umbro. Grow up! Call them ‘fleeces’ because that is their dual purpose, to keep players warm while they are bored by the anthems and then fleece the fans who will buy this utterly pointless and feeble exercise in cynical marketing. What next? Anthem posing pouches? Referee handshaking headwear?, Leak-Proof Penalty Underwear?) there was a ‘pause’ in between anthems for the England team to proudly unveil this fantastic new shirt to the waiting and utterly disinterested nation.

Weren’t they awful? As my wife succinctly put it, the England team looked like the kids from the really deprived school who have finally arranged a football match, but have to use their polo shirts and P.E kits to make sure they are wearing the same colours. I half expected to see Wayne Rooney told off by officials for playing in his pumps. Apparently England had special dispensation from FIFA not to put numbers on the front of the kit and also the shorts. Personally, I feel they could have pasted the legend “We Look Like Muppets” across the front of the shirt in day-glo pink and it would have been less embarassing. They were so bad it almost made me hanker after an ‘Anthem Top’.

The other home nations had a mixed day. Scotland and Wales were comprehensively beaten. Scotland by a Holland side that just had that bit of extra quality and took their chances well. Wales by a Finnish side so old and slow that I was half expecting Peter Reid and Jan Molby to come on to add a bit of pace and youth to midfield. It comes to something when Sami Hyppia is regarded as one of the sprightly youngsters on the team. Northern Ireland recorded a great win over Poland to go top of their group. Irish legend “Bobby-Lee Pitch” grabbing the winner with a lovely little dink over the goalkeepers attempts to clear Zewlakow’s back pass. Indeed the Polish goalkeeping was so inept I thought the Slovakian keeper had jumped a quick flight to Belfast to try and get in another ninety minutes and double his appearance money.

Most of the major European football forces recorded victories. Germany, France, Spain and Italy recorded predictable wins. Portugal were held at home by the stoical Sweden. While I am happy that Portugal are dropping points (yes I do hold a grudge for this long) I must admit I’d rather it be any other team other than Sweden. They are the international football equivalent of Mogadon. I’m sure that is why Zslatan Ibrahimovic always looks a little bewildered playing for Sweden and seldom looks the fantastic attacking footballer he shows at times for Inter. I think having to watch his team mates bore the opposition into submission for 89 minutes dulls his senses, so he is in a semi-comatose state when he actually gets the ball at his feet.

It’s hard to say if Ireland were unlucky against Bulgaria. The visitors recovered well from conceeding after just 35 seconds of the game, but that said Ireland had the chances to win the game comfortably. I did feel a little sympathy for Kevin Kilbane for his own goal. I have to say though, it was a blinding finish. I was also heartened to see Bulgaria starting to return to the methods that brought them success, most notably at the 1994 World Cup. It was fantastic to see a bald headed midfielder taking on the Yordan Lechkov role. Admittedly the current crop of Bulgarians are lacking two wonderful players of the calibre of Krassimir Balakov and Hristo Stoichkov, or someone as frightfully ugly as Trifon Ivanov, but they are on the right lines.

It all starts again Wednesday and this time for England, it isn’t a friendly. Will we have enough strikers to cope? We are thin on the ground in that areas as it is. With Defoe injured and now Carlton Cole, Heskey and Crouch seemingly banged up. Fabio Capello has had to call on Darren Bent. It’s just a shame the Italian can’t call on a striker who has played around 90 games for his country and scored around 40 goals. But he cannot pick Michael Owen because he is always injured. Hmmm… Ledley King anyone? Lets just say if England were 1-0 down with 15 minutes to go and you needed someone to get you a goal, who would you want on the bench? Darren Bent, Carlton Cole or Michael Owen?

Anyway, I’m going to cheer Ecuador on later tonight as they play Brazil. I’m popping to the shops first though. I feel to enjoy the game I need to get myself an anthem top. That way if Brazil continue to take the Sweden approach of boring teams into submission, I can pull it up over my head and avoid watching.

Image courtesy of **Umbro Football ** at Flickr.com

Former England captain David Beckham today stands on the brink of English football history. If he plays any part in either todays game against Slovakia, or Wednesday night’s clash against the Ukraine, then old Goldenballs himself will overtake the late, great Sir Bobby Moore to become England’s most capped outfield player with 109 caps. Only Peter Shilton’s haul of 125 caps now standing between him and English football immortality.

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