All Leagues, EPL, England, Europe, Ian John, Leagues, Regions POSTS

We Decipher the Everton V Manchester United, FA Cup Semi Final

Published by Ian John on April 19, 2009

Using complex algorhythms, the latest technology, a tally chart, abacus a large helping of spring onion and chive dip, the most technologically advanced minds available (admittedly not much) more computing power than a solar powered calculator in overdrive and the greatest innovation since the Sinclair C5, we at Decipher Soccer have finally developed our all-seeing, all encompassing, all knowing football prediction machine.

Simply put, we put into the programme all the information about a forthcoming game. And using a highly complex calculation, a dash of chaos theory, quantum mechanics and a large helping of Sunny Delight, our Decipher-cipher can accurately predict the score of any game worldwide based on these parameters.

After a staggeringly successful trial run yesterday, where the machine not only predicted a 2-1 win to Chelsea, but also suggested that Lukasz Fabianski would be completely inept, that Arsene Wenger would lose his marbles and bring on Bendtner for Adebayor and that Ashley Cole would be booed 35 times during the game by Arsenal fans, it also accurately predicted that Ray Wilkins would actually look excited when Drogba scored the second goal and that Ricardo Carvalho would have a right miserable face on him for being dropped for John Terry and that the commentator would make the accurate observation “Frank Lampard’s wide…”

So to put it to the test, here is the Decipher Soccer Prediction for todays Everton v Manchester United FA Cup Semi Final… Just read it and watch the events unfold.

3 hours before kick off – The first Everton fans arrive at the ground to start the preliminary warm ups for booing Wayne Rooney.

2 hours before kick off – Cristiano Ronaldo climbs onto the team coach and in doing so, wraps his foot against the last step before flinging himself on the floor and writing around in mock agony. His appeals of a red card for the step to the driver go unheeded. Sir Alex blames it on the driver not offering Ronaldo enough protection from the evil of coach steps.

1 hour before kick off – The ground is starting to fill up nicely. Everton fans sing their “We hate Wayne Rooney” song for the 3715th time this afternoon. United fans cannot respond as their mouths are filled with prawn sandwiches.

40 mins before kick off – The teams are announced : Everton name a somewhat expected team : Howard, Hibbert, Lescott, Jagielka, Yobo, Neville.P, Osman, Baines, Fellaini, Cahill, Saha. The only change being Saha in for the cup tied Jo. United boss Sir Alex Ferguson, mindful of a busy week names a somewhat surprising team. Van Der Sar, Neville.G, Ferdinand, Vidic, O’Shea, Park, Scholes, Carrick, Ronaldo, Rooney and Bobby Charlton. After his medication is administered however, Sir Bobby is forced to take off his boots and put his suit back on as Carlos Tevez is persuaded to play instead. Dimitar Berbatov isn’t happy. That isn’t a comment on his non-selection in the first team, merely a general observation.

5 mins before kick off : United win the toss and elect to bat. Everton are put into field. <<< Decipher soccer unplugs the computer and reboots with the correct software >>>

5 mins before kick off : United win the toss and decided to kick towards the Everton fans in the first half. Ronaldo appeals to the referee that Phil Neville should be booked in advance for fouls he will make on him during the game. These protests are denied. Sir Alex blames referees for offering the Portuguese star not enough protection in the pre game kick about when Ronaldo went down after a severe two footed lunge by an ant crawling on a blade of grass. The ant was summarily dismissed by a passing grasshopper, and is expected to be banned for two games.

1 min before kick off : Everton fans rack up their 50,000th rendition of the “We Hate Wayne Rooney” song. A new world record. Sir Alex takes his seat complaining bitterly about the lack of a penalty award to his team during the pre match kick about and suggests that all officials in the world, ever, are all anti-Manchester United. Another does of his medication sees him sat down. David Moyes takes his seat and still holding onto his world record as the only football manager in history not to have blinked.

Kick off : Everton kick off and the game starts frantically. Phil Neville rushes into make a late challenge on Ryan Giggs before realising that Giggs is actually on the bench. The referee gives the Everton player a warning for latent stupidity and terminal ugliness.

11 minutes : United have controlled the game in the early stages, but Everton look dangerous when they attack. The best chance of the game so far comes when Leighton Baines jogs past Gary Neville, stops, sits down, reads a book, chats to his mum on a mobile and delivers a cross before Neville can get back to challenge. Van Der Sar claims the ball but drops it at the feet of Saha who clears gleefully into the stands. Saha then remembers he is now wearing a blue coloured top. He is consoled by Phil Neville who has often made the same mistake.

14 minutes : Gary Neville gets back into position to stop Leighton Baines cross of three minutes earlier.

22 minutes : GOAL! Manchester United take the lead. Wayne Rooney, to a chorus of boos, plays a lovely ball into Ronaldo who has mysteriously recovered from seemingly having his leg amputated in a clash with “hard as nails” Leon Osman. The Portuguese ace low driven cross is forced out by Tim Howard to Phil Neville who forgets which team he is on again and rifles the ball magnificently into his own net. Everton 0 Man Utd 1!

39 minutes : That stupidly annoying scouse idiot streaker runs onto the pitch yet again. Unfortunately he runs towards Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo goes down under the challenge of the streaker who offered to shake his hand and receives 3 minutes of treatment for a thumb sprain. Sir Alex blames the FA and officials for not affording Cristiano Ronaldo enough protection from streakers.

45 minutes : Half Time : The whistle blows. Everton fans boo their anger at Rooney. Rooney kisses the Manchester United badge. Ronaldo is helped off the pitch after receiving a nasty blow from a piece of turf stuck to the heel of his boot. Sir Alex Ferguson accosts the referee on the way to the changing room to complain that Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t afforded enough protection from turf sticking to his boots and that United should have had two first half penalties. One for a foul on Louis Saha in the box by Nemanja Vidic, but since Saha was a former United player it should be United who get the penalty and secondly for a foul by Phil Jagielka whose clean tackle on Wayne Rooney made the striker fall onto his knees and get his shorts dirty.

Half Time – ITV’s presenters make doubly boring comments about how wonderful Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo are. They snatch a quick interview with Sir Alex Ferguson just before the teams restart for the second half. Sir Alex is happy but cautious and reminds people of the brutal treatment Cristiano Ronaldo has suffered, that United should have had three penalties by now and Everton should be down to six men and be forced to play the rest of the game with a three year old baby in goal as punishment. All ITV presenters and guests simper their love for Sir Alex just before the second half kicks off.

46 minutes : Manchester United kick off the second half. Rooney is about to blast the ball home from a yard out with only one player to beat, but the ball gets lost in Marouane Fellaini’s hair. After a delay of three minutes Arsene Wenger from the stand manages to pick out the ball in the thicket of the Belgian midfielders bonce and the game restarts with a bounce ball which Everton generously gift back to United in the form of a throw in a yard from the Manchester United corner flag.

51 minutes : Controversy as Wayne Rooney receives a yellow card! The United man’s temper coming to the fore as he is denied a corner kick after a tackle by Lescott. Incredulous at the injustice and the mocking tones of thousands of Evertonians behind him, the United star snaps and grabs a three year old Evertonian from the stand, threatening to eat him and the rest of his family unless the referee awards United a corner. Fortunately his United team mates arrive to hand the baby back to his upset mum and the United man receives a yellow card. Sir Alex is fuming and castigates the fourth official, blaming the referee for not affording Rooney enough protection and blaming Everton fans for turning up when they knew Wayne Rooney would be present.

67 minutes : GOAL ! United are stunned as they gift Everton an equaliser. Maroune Fellaini goes up for the ball with Ferdinand and flicks the ball towards goal, Van Der Sar tries to punch it clear but only punches the ball against the unlucky Nemanja Vidic who sees the ball bounce off his startled face into the net. As Everton fans are joyous, Sir Alex complains bitterly that Vidic was not only offside, but was also interfering with the ability of the goalkeeper to clear. It is only when Mike Phelan points out that Vidic is on the same team he sits down, but still feels it should have been a penalty for United.

72 minutes : United are denied a clear penalty when Leighton Baines makes a perfectly weighted and timed tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo. However the challenge is inside the box. Upon feeling the contact, Ronaldo somehow managers to dive onto the floor and explode into a thousand tiny flaming pieces. All the Kings horses and all the kings men could put Ronaldo back together again, but instead the physio came on and applied a miraculous sponge which saw the United star recover from certain death to full physical fitness within the space of thirty seconds. A miracle that even Jesus would be hard pushed to match.

80 minutes : GOAL ! Sir Alex is left fuming as Everton snatch an unlikely lead. Another set piece being United’s undoing as Tim Cahill gets on the end of Leon Osman’s cross to flick a header towards goal, the ball hits Phil Neville who diverts it past the stranded Van Der Sar and into the net. Neville falls to the ground crestfallen knowing his goal has put United out of the cup. Denis Law sends him a text message saying “I know how you feel.” Brother Gary sends him a text message asking if he can have half his goal bonus as he should have been picking him up for the set piece, but he was still jogging out of the tunnel from half time when the set piece was taken.

90 minutes : The fourth official signifies that there will be thirty seven minutes of injury time. David Moyes is aghast, so is Sir Alex who believes according to his watch there should be at least another six months to be played, at least until United take the lead at which point the game can end immediately.

137 minutes : The final whistle. Everton fans are jubilant as Wayne Rooney aims a rocket launcher at them, only to be stopped by stewards. Cristiano Ronaldo falls to the turf from the weight of emotion at the loss. Sir Alex blasts the officials for not protecting Cristiano Ronaldo from the weight of emotion. David Moyes manager is so surprised at the victory Doctors say he will probably never blink again while Marouane Fellaini promises Everton fans he will not be leaving the club in the summer to start up an Earth Wind and Fire tribute band with on loan striker Jo. Phil Neville leaves the pitch disconsolate, until he’s reminded he plays for Everton, at which point he becomes hysterical and starts to cry and ask for a hug from his big brother. Manchester United fans realise their season is now pointless after only winning three trophies already and having the league and Champions league to go for. Everton fans now reckon they are the best team ever following the victory.

150 minutes : Decipher soccer take a quick look at the programming on this computer… What does this say… Written by a Senor R.Benitez? Hmmmmm…

Photo Credit ***ickle sam*** from Flickr.com

Readers Rating: