All Leagues, Europe, Fantasy EPL, Features, Ian John, Leagues, Regions POSTS

What would you put in Football’s Room 101?

Published by Ian John on June 19, 2009

Football is the beautiful game. No sport has a bigger global fan base or a bigger global appeal. Peyton Manning or Lebron James may be unable to walk the streets of America without failing to be recognised, but to the majority in the rest of the world, they would cut an anonymous figure. Compare that with the fame of the likes of Diego Maradona, Pele and in modern times players like David Beckham, Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo and the true global nature of football becomes apparent.

That is not to say everything is perfect in the modern game. Far from it and this is what this little article is about. On British television there was a television programme called Room 101. A lighthearted look at things which celebrities would banish to “Room 101″. For those not au fait with the writings of Eric Blair, or George Orwell, Room 101 is the name of the room that contains “the worst thing in the world” from the book 1984. For our protagonist Winston, this was rats in a cage placed over his head. For football fans, or for this football fan at least, it would be any or all of these things…

1. GREED
Like it or not, the fact that the same ten or twelve clubs every season take home the vast majority of television money, award money and qualify once again for the most prestigous competitions is creating a European soccer elite. A quick trawl of the tables across Europe will see the same names, Inter, Milan, Juventus, Roma, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal, Barcelona and Real Madrid at the top of their respective leagues. Indeed it was something of a shock to see Bayern Munich and Lyon not win their respective domestic leagues, though both still qualified for the Champions League next season. These clubs seem to have their cash cow and are determined to hold onto it for as long as possible. The upshot of this is, come next season, guess which 12 teams are going to be challenging for the league and top European trophies? Remember the days of a Malmo versus Nottingham Forest Champions League final? When Steaua Bucharest lifted the trophy? Those days are long gone and the way things are at the moment they won’t ever return. Clubs deserve money for their success, but at the moment it is weighted hugely in favour of the bigger teams at the expense of every other team.

2. FAN MESSAGEBOARDS
I loathe these with a passion that borders on the psychotic. Even if a genuine football fan tries to set up a discussion board for genuine fans, within moments it will descend into foul-mouthed abuse. This isn’t “banter”. This isn’t “jocular ribbing”. It is narrow-minded bigotry. I am a Liverpool fan and I have no great love for Manchester United, surprise surprise eh? I can however happily concede that over the past 10-15 years United have been brilliant, while we have been at best good, at worst, pathetic over that period. I loathe the way that supporters cannot back up their absurd claims with anything other than foul-mouthed purile secular jingoism. These aren’t fans, they are idiots. The sad thing is there are a great many fans out there of all clubs who would love the chance to discuss things and see another perspective. However to do that with a Chelsea or United fan would seem like being in “cahoots with the enemy”. Utter rubbish. We need to grow out of this imbecilic tribalism very quickly and understand that because you support one team, does not give you the right to be unfailingly vile to someone ese who chooses to support another.

3. DIVING & PLAY ACTING
I have to admit, one aspect of Cristiano Ronaldo I will be delighted to see the back of, is his diving. He is by no means the worst culprit in the Premiership at this. Our own Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres do go down very easily at times. Emmanuel Eboue has it down to an artform almost. Most teams have players who will fall theatrically when touched. It is annoying and it’d be nice to be rid of it, but it isn’t going to happen unless we banish it to Room 101. However worse than diving in my view is the player who gets slightly brushed by the sleeve of an opposition player and then dives onto the floor rolling around in agony claiming that he is now probably blind in both eyes after a vicious assault. How amusing to see Rangers player Kyle Lafferty disciplined for his dreadful playacting in a game recently. Even last night I watched the Spain v England U21 game and Spanish “star” Jurado spent most of the night shooting the ball thirty yards over the bar, or rolling around the floor in agony because a moth had farted in his vicinity. Get a grip. Grow up. There was a time when footballers played on with broken necks, gashed heads and their arm hanging off.

4. SHEPHERDING THE BALL OUT RULE
I’m baffled by this one to be honest. Let’s say the ball is coming towards Rio Ferdinand in the centre circle and Fernando Torres rushes over, makes no attempt to play the ball and blocks Ferdinand off by shoving him out of the way. Free kick? You bet it is. Why then isn’t it a free kick when defenders do this as the ball is running over the goalline and an attacker is trying to get to it? You will frequently see the defender make no attempt to play the ball and instead just barge into the attacker and block him off. Why isn’t this a foul? It would be a foul in any other area of the pitch?

5. WAGES
Oh yes. I don’t think it is fair at all that the bigger clubs can spend ridiculous amounts of money on wages. Subsidised either by huge sponsorship deals, or financed by their own private Russian billionaire oligarch. So the current wage system would be sent to Room 101. In its place would come a wage cap system similar to the one in use in the NFL. Could you imagine Real wasting their entire wage cap on Kaka and Ronaldo now? No, neither could I. It would also make economic sense for all clubs given the current financial climate.

6. WOMEN GOALKEEPERS
Now, this is not a misogynistic statement. I enjoy womens football a lot. The slower pace gives the skilled players time on the ball that the men seldom have and the outfield players often show great skill. The games are happily devoid of the awful histrionics of the male game and the women seem to take a knock far better than their male counterparts. However it all falls down with the goalkeepers who, it seems, are universally awful. I’ve lost count of the times when a high ball into the box, that in the male game would be harmlessly dealt with, ends up with the keeper flailing helplessly as the ball goes into the net. Why this is I am not sure, women are no less able to deal with a high ball than men. It seems to me that it is a bit like playground football, where all the better players play outfield, and the terrible player gets lumped in goal. The flip side of this is that I’ve seen women keepers make incredible reflex saves, kick the ball well and be as brave, if not braver than their male counterparts. The problems all seem to stem from the high ball into the box or the long range shot that is at or above head height. Perhaps slightly shorter goals would help matters? The issue isn’t based on sex I believe, more technique and I’m afraid the lack of it does tend to make some womens games a bit pointless. A team can play beautiful football, score a goal. The opposition can lump the ball into the box from the halfway line and score almost every time. It’s the only way I can explain Norway’s success in the women’s game.

Image Courtesy of **gusset** on Flickr.com

Readers Rating: