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Things to look forward to in the coming season…

Published by Ian John on August 15, 2009

We know that the great British press is so devoid of any vague notion of reporting interesting, informative and genuinely important news and would rather regurgitate the same old stories every season that aim to sensationalise and sell papers, so to give you an advance preview of what copy will be poured forth from the tired hacks this season, here is a quick breakdown of five news articles that will definitely be THE news in the early weeks of the season…

1. Sir Alex Ferguson proclaiming that United are not missing Ronaldo.
To be fair, this isn’t Sir Alex’s fault. What will happen is that United may struggle to a fortunate win against someone, or perhaps even draw or lose a game and the first question a reporter will ask will be “So Sir Alex, today do you think you missed the influence of a player like Cristiano Ronaldo?” I can almost hear the curly haired Geoff Shreeve gleefully asking that question right now. What is Sir Alex likely to answer here? Think about it. Is he going to say “Yes, we do, we miss him immensely. In fact I cannot sleep at night knowing he is no longer here and that to cope, we’ve had to buy in some markedly inferior replacements who are no more fitting to fill his boots than a lump of charcoal is suited to take over from me when I retire. I weep copiously in the evenings knowing he is no longer a United player, in fact it has made me wonder whether I should do something very stupid indeed, like take over as the manager of Scotland.” No, he isn’t likely to say that is he? So he will say that the result was not down to missing Ronaldo but a poor collective team performance and point to the many other matches where his Ronaldo-less team have produced good performances.

2. Carlos Tevez proclaiming his love for Manchester City
It won’t be long into the season before the Argentinian, perhaps struggling for form suddenly declares his eyes have been opened by his transfer to Manchester City. He will state how living in Manchester with two great clubs is wonderful but how he suddenly has become a convert to the city cause. About how they are the real heartbeat of the city and about how their fans are the true essence of a football supporter, supporting their teams through the good times and the bad. Please city and united fans, ignore this. This will merely be Carlos’s agent saying a few trite words to justify his ridiculously large salary and to further endear him to the City faithful. However strip away the words and basically Tevez will be saying “I like City fans because at least they stayed loyal when the team was crap and Manchester United were fantastic.”

3. Rafa Benitez having his first moan of the season.
He may be tactically astute and have brought Liverpool on somewhat since the days of Gerard Houllier, but Rafa Benitez does like a moan. Indeed so well versed in the art of moaning is he that he seems to have taken over from Sir Alex and Arsene as the person most likely to be grumbling about something when he attends his press conference. It may be the fixture computer, the fact Liverpool’s game was at a set time when their rivals wasn’t, that another manager has said something he has taken offence at, that there is speculation in the press about some of his players or that he wants to sign someone, or that he is just a miserable sod, whatever the point of the question it will soon turn Rafa grumpy and have him spouting off about how unfair it all is. Yawn. One of the best things about being a Liverpool fan is that we used to win with grace and lose with equal grace, sadly we seem to be losing that and I for one, would welcome its return.

4. The first story about the “Pressure being on Mark Hughes.”This won’t be the first ever story about the pressure being on Mark Hughes. As soon as news of the Dubai takeover first came to light last season, the former Blackburn boss has been linked with the boot. However his new owners seem to have backed him to the hilt with plenty of cash and big name signings, however this will come at a price. While last season City fans and the new owners may have hoped that the club could challenge the top four, this season, given the level of their investment, it will be expected that the club does just that. It isn’t an easy task to do. It is alright for City to have games like when they beat Portsmouth 6-0 or Arsenal 3-0, but they must follow this up with far more mundane performances against the likes of Stoke, Hull and Bolton. Games which they have significantly failed to be consistent in over the years. As such the press will be quick to put the pressure firmly on Hughes once the season is a few games old, if his Manchester City team is not amongst the chasing pack at the top of the table. Whether this is actually true or not, remains to be seen.

5. Crap new hairstyles/tattoos.
The new season heralds a time of change, a re-affirmation of our love for our teams and the restoration of the often misguided hope that this season may be the one we have all waited for. It is also the time when we first get to see our new-look teams take shape and have a look at what the players have been doing over their short break from the game. Usually this involves a staggering array of bewilderingly awful haircuts and the addition of a few tattoos which the player is only to happy to whip off his top and receive a booking for, to show to the fans at the earliest available opportunity. Personally I don’t see the attraction in having a haircut that looks like your barber was dyspraxic. I cannot see how shaving signs, symbols into your noggin covering can have any beneficial effect for you, other than singling you out as a bit of a tit. Same goes with tattoos. I am bewildered by this consistent need players have to colour themselves in. Most footballers, Jan Molby apart, have a fairly athletic physique, I see no need to further adorn this with pictures and slogans that make you look like some kind of living comic book. I often don’t know at times whether to watch the players or read them.

6. Crap new kits
A new season means new kits and a fresh opportunity for clubs to fleece their fans by bringing out a new kit or six before the start of the season. Now many of these new kits will look rather good. I must admit I like the rather mundane Liverpool third kit which is all white and I think the new Chelsea kit looks stylish. However I can’t say the same for the new United home kit with the black V stripe which just looks a little hastily put together. United’s kit is usually one of the best but I don’t like the new one much. However that pails into insignificance at some of the others I’ve seen so far. Everton’s new offering is straight out of 1979. A dreadful throwback to the era of Hafnia Sponsorship and large wide elasticated V necks that were accentuated in white and stretched down almost to the bellybutton. It was a crap kit then and to then reinvent this now is as unforgivable. Thousands of Evertonians are going to be walking around Merseyside looking like the people time forgot. It’d be less embarrassing to wear a bear skin. And as for the Newcastle away kit. Sweet Jesus, I thought last season was a monumental embarrassment, but this one looks set to be even worse if that is anything to go by. If Joey Barton needs to punch anyone, it was the lunatic who came up with this design. No wonder Ashley wants to sell the club, he knows it’s value will plummet when even the Geordie faithful take one look at this monstrosity and say “Wor! Feck that! I’m off oot ta support Sunnerland like!”

Image courtesy of ***Iain Moneypenny *** at Flickr.com

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